Do you believe that in order to have a good sexual experience, it is necessary to hold off ejaculating for as long as possible? You have probably seen it in movies: the typical scene where two people are having sexual intercourse and the guy tries not to ejaculate by thinking about absurd things, like naming players from his favorite football team or going through the grocery list, etc. It’s also possible that friends have given you specific advice on how to distract yourself just before reaching climax, like pinching yourself in any part of the body, but… are these tips really meant to enhance enjoyment in your sexual experiences or just to prolong them?
In this article, I’m giving you the key to achieving an optimal sexual relationship, and it’s none other than being in the “here and now“. This means being fully present and aware of the moment, focusing on the sensations, emotions, and connections you experience during sexual activity, letting go of external distractions and concerns.
Being “here” means being physically present in the place where the sexual encounter is happening, paying attention to your partner, yourself, and the environment. Have you ever experienced your phone ringing in the middle of the act? It’s one of the most common distractions nowadays, and it can make you lose focus and disconnect from the person in front of you. It’s important to set aside distractions like electronic devices, everyday worries, or anything else that might detract from the intimate connection.
Being “now” means being present in the current moment, focusing on the sensations and experiences you are having in that instant. This involves letting go of thoughts about the past or the future and simply enjoying and exploring pleasure and intimacy in the present, being attentive and responsive to tactile sensations, sounds, smells, and emotions that arise during the sexual encounter.
Being in the “here and now” during a sexual relationship can enhance the connection with your partner, increase intimacy, and mutual enjoyment. By being fully present, you can respond to your partner’s needs and desires, communicate more effectively, and enjoy a more fulfilling and satisfying sexual experience.
Do you want to discover how to increase connection and enjoyment in your sexual relationships? Here, I reveal some tips for cultivating presence and taking your intimacy to a whole new level!
- Connect with your body: Pay attention to the physical sensations you’re experiencing in your body. Feel the contact with your partner, the texture of the skin, the caresses, the kisses, etc. Engage your senses and allow yourself to fully enjoy the sensations.
- Stay focused on the present moment: Avoid letting your mind wander and get caught up in irrelevant thoughts. Instead, focus on what is happening in the present moment. Pay attention to movements, facial expressions, sounds, breaths, and any other signals that may arise during sexual activity.
- Communicate openly: Communication is key in a healthy sexual relationship. Express your desires, needs, and fantasies to your partner. Ask and listen to what your partner desires and enjoys. Open and honest communication can enhance intimacy and emotional connection during sexual activity.
- Set aside distractions: Turn off electronic devices and eliminate any distractions that may disrupt your concentration and connection during the sexual encounter. Focus on your partner and the present moment.
- Practice mindfulness: Mindfulness practice, such as meditation, can help you develop the ability to be present in the moment. You can explore techniques like mindful breathing and focusing your attention on bodily sensations to cultivate mindfulness during sexual activity.
Still… Do you find it difficult?
Imagine a couple having sexual intercourse, but both are worried and distracted by different thoughts or situations unrelated to the present moment:
One member of the couple is concerned about work: during the sexual encounter, this person can’t stop thinking about pending tasks and work responsibilities. Their mind is preoccupied with concerns about projects, deadlines, or meetings, preventing them from being fully present and connected with their partner.
The other member of the couple is preoccupied with personal issues: this person is dealing with challenging personal situations, such as family or financial problems. During sexual activity, they can’t help their mind from drifting towards those concerns, affecting their ability to be present and fully enjoy the intimate encounter.
Both members of the couple are getting distracted by their phones: instead of being connected to each other, both individuals are constantly checking their notifications. They are more focused on social media or the messages they are receiving rather than the present moment and connecting with their partner.
They are emotionally disconnected: even though they are physically present, both members of the couple are not emotionally connected. There may be resentments, lack of communication, or unresolved issues in the relationship that distract them and prevent them from being fully present and enjoying the sexual encounter.
Do you relate to this? It’s because most of us struggle to live in the present and tend to wander and be preoccupied with many things at once. That’s why it’s important to practice being in the “here and now.”
How to practice being in the “here and now” (Mindfulsex)
Mindfulsex, or conscious sex, is the practice of engaging in sexual activity with full awareness and presence in the moment. It involves applying the principles of mindfulness, such as non-judgment, acceptance, and focused attention, to the sexual experience. Here are some key elements and practices of mindfulsex:
Setting the intention: Before initiating sexual activity, set the intention to be fully present and aware. Make a conscious decision to focus on the experience, connect with your partner, and savor the sensations.
Centering your thoughts: Try to center your thoughts on your own pleasure and that of your partner. It’s common for unrelated thoughts to arise, but if this happens, don’t criticize yourself or feel frustrated—simply let them pass.
Slowing down: Take the time to slow down the pace of sexual activity. Pay attention to each touch, kiss, and caress. Engage all your senses and fully immerse yourself in the experience.
Body awareness: Tune into your body and the physical sensations you experience. Focus on pleasure, warmth, tingling, and any other physical sensations that arise. Explore textures, temperatures, and movements with curiosity and presence.
Breath awareness: Pay attention to your breath throughout the entire sexual experience. Conscious and deep breathing can help anchor you in the present moment and increase your awareness of sensations in your body. If desired, synchronize your breath with your partner’s, creating a deeper connection.
Non-judgment: Also known as non-judging, it refers to the ability to observe thoughts, emotions, and experiences without labeling them as good or bad, right or wrong. Practice non-judgment and self-acceptance. Let go of expectations, performance pressures, or self-critical thoughts. Simply allow yourself to be in the moment without judgment.
Emotional connection: Maintain open and authentic communication with your partner. Share your desires, fantasies, and boundaries. Emotionally connect and create a safe and loving environment that fosters intimacy and trust.
Conscious orgasms: During orgasm, fully immerse yourself in the sensations. Pay attention to the buildup of pleasure, the climax, and the release. Be fully aware as you experience the waves of pleasure coursing through your body.
Post-sex reflection: After the sexual experience, take a moment to reflect on the sensations, emotions, and connections you experienced. Express gratitude for the intimate experience shared with your partner.
Conclusion
In a world filled with distractions and constant concerns, it is crucial to cultivate the ability to be truly present in our sexual experiences. By setting aside external worries and stress, we can open ourselves to emotional and physical connection with our partner, allowing intimacy to flourish in its full splendor. By being aware of our bodily sensations, emotions, and desires, we can tune into our own wants and those of our partner, creating a space where both feel valued and attended to.
We can open ourselves to emotional and physical connection with our partner, allowing intimacy to flourish in its full splendor.
Mindfulness in sexual relationships enables us to savor each moment, intensify passion and pleasure, and build deeper and more meaningful intimacy. Now that you have the secret to achieving an optimal sexual experience, I encourage you to nurture the present moment and thereby unlock the door to more fulfilling and meaningful sexual encounters.
Author: Conchi Sánchez García (Sexual Coach at MYHIXEL)
Psychologist, child and adolescent therapist and sexologist.
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